All Things In One

I recently returned from Army Basic Combat Training (BCT) at Fort Jackson, South Carolina. The experience was unique given my age (39) and relatively high level of experience relative to my peers. I do not say that pridefully but just as a matter of fact. I was the only person with a PhD out of more than 1200 graduating soldiers. I do not put myself on a pedestal for having an advanced degree. I merely mention it to establish how unique my life experience was prior to attending BCT relative to virtually everyone else. I truly learned an immense amount about myself and others. The experience changed me in truly profound ways.

Much of Army life revolves around leadership, and while I’m no stranger to leadership positions at this point in my life, BCT gave me the opportunity to ponder and observe anew. One question that I ultimately found myself asking over and over again is ,“How do we win the respect of those we want to lead, mentor, or otherwise influence?” Obviously, this question and the answer applies to so many more roles or situations than being a soldier: parent, teacher, mentor, pastor, etc. I spent time during Victory Phase writing a response to this question. The following is unfiltered and unedited pen-on-paper writing from this second to last week of training.

“Respect is an interesting word. It denotes a desire to listen to, adhere to, or obey someone else. It includes deference to the person in attitude and behavior. Respect is crucial in any relationship where there is an expectation of knowledge transfer, of learning from someone with more experience. Respect must be built and maintained in order for such relationships to be ultimately successful and long lasting. These relationships include teachers, professors, mentors, parents, grandparents, priests, leaders, managers, etc. From this point forward, I will prefer the use of the word mentor for simplicity unless the context dictates otherwise. This also applies to military relationships, political relationships, etc.

So, again, how do we really and truly earn and keep the respect of those we are meant to mentor?

First of all, we must explore the foundation of respect. This is competence. The learner must be able to recognize competence and skill in the mentor. Either this is recognized in the present or in the past. Someone may not currently be adept at the area of expertise, for a multitude of possible reasons, but can still be recognized as one who did at one point. They can therefore be relied upon to show others the way to success. This has to be the foundation of respect. As it may be so obvious, perhaps this foundation does not receive the attention that it deserves.

So let’s examine why this is so important, from the viewpoint of both the mentor and the mentored. From the perspective of the mentor, competence breeds confidence as a mentor. It also allows the mentor to be as honest as possible by avoiding situations where they feel the need to feign expertise when none exists. This temptation grows as the level of incompetence increases because the mentor feels the need to maintain respect. This type of mentor falsely believes that it’s better to fake it than to give an impression of weakness to the mentee. But faking competence always erodes the relationship as the learner/follower inevitably uncovers the deception, giving reason to mistrust further guidance.

Expertise also allows the mentor to instruct/lead properly, leading to the success of the learner. The success of the learner causes a feeling of wholesome pride in the mentor. Watching those we mentor display competence is one of the great feelings of accomplishment life has to offer. This cannot happen without the true competence of the mentor.

In fact, the opposite is also true. Perpetuating incompetence is perhaps one of the greatest sources of regret in life, particularly when our mentees are people who have intrinsic value to us. Every parent experiences this feeling to some degree as they see generational failures and foibles perpetuated in their children.

From the viewpoint of the learner, competent mentors breed respect naturally. If learners are serious about learning the given skill, etc., then they will obviously seek out the most competent mentor, at least as far as they are able to calculate it. Competence of the mentor also breeds confidence in the learner: confidence that they have chosen or been assigned the right person to learn from. This confidence grows over time stronger and stronger as a pattern of success based on the mentor’s competence is established. The learner experiences the joy of becoming adept and eventually an expert himself, evoking great positive emotion and feedback. This personal achievement builds respect for the mentor as they have successfully led the learner to the desired end.

An important exception is worth pointing out, which arises from a situation previously mentioned. What should happen when the mentor does not have the competence required to lead or train or teach? In these scenarios, the teacher can display her competence by being humble. Humility is a key characteristic of true leadership and mentorship. Simply acknowledging incompetence or inability does not diminish trust or respect, as many mentors mistakenly assume. On the contrary, it allows the learner to solidify confidence in the tutorship of the mentor. They know that there will be no situation where the mentor will knowingly teach them out of ineptitude. This simple example illustrates the power of humility, which can not be overstated.

Now that the foundation of respect has been established, we need to turn to aspects of the relationship that can build or destroy respect. Competence alone cannot do this any more than a foundation can serve as a proper dwelling. Competence is a quality related solely to the mentor. It speaks nothing to the manner in which the mentor behaves toward the mentee. Other traits must be cultivated by a mentor so that true respect can be fostered.

The attitude and demeanor of the mentor toward the mentee reflects the motives and feelings of the mentor in the relationship. The character of the mentor is the most important in developing and winning respect. Too often those with supreme competence and accompanying pride overlook these aspects of leadership and therefore fail to succeed in developing true respect. This is too bad given that many leaders and mentors are cut from this cloth, being given the position because of their skill and success alone.

But that does not always translate into success in influencing others as a leader or mentor. To do that, one must also communicate his or her investment in the learner. This communication can be verbal but is stronger when exhibited by actions. This investment can be characterized by words like care, devotion, or even love. It may seem odd to use such words in a context so broad as this, but they are certainly appropriate, especially the word love.

If you think that word is odd to use in this context, think of how a military team would speak of a devoted and trusted leader who had their utmost respect. Often familial words are used like brother along with expressions such as, “I love that guy.” That respect and love has propelled many warriors to great acts of selfless service on behalf of their leader and team. It is certain that this does not occur with incompetent leaders. It is also certain that it does not happen with competent leaders who do not display devotion and love to those they lead and mentor. It is on the mentor to first show this to those he leads before they respect and love him back.

So respect is built by a combination of competence and love. It is this unique mixture of qualities that makes a truly great mentor or leader worthy of all respect. Competence displays the dedication of the mentor to perfecting his craft. Love displays the devotion of the mentor to perfecting his pupil.

What does it mean to show love/devotion to those we lead and teach? Or in other words, how do we embody this quality so that we can be worthy of and win the respect of those we serve?

Before I tackle that important question, I want to address a prevailing and alternate viewpoint. This is that respect grows out of fear of authority and power. Or that fear has to at least be some part of the equation. The idea is that fear that the mentor can inflict some adverse consequence instills respect. But fear itself is the counterfeit of respect. Fear does not breed respect, it breeds anger and eventually resentment. Some of the outward consequences of fear may be similar to those produced by respect, but either they do not last or they are also cheap imitations.

There is a subtle distinction here. Should a mentor never give out negative consequences because they don’t want the learner to fear them? This sentiment has led many to a type of leadership that is ultimately not effective. Imposing consequences for behavior that is counterproductive is an important part of building respect. But the key is that the learner must be able to clearly link the consequences to the behavior that is inappropriate given clearly communicated expectations. Furthermore, the reprimand or punishment must be timely and commensurate with the infraction. Ideally it helps to reinforce the correct behavior. 

These consequences given correctly, especially in the long term, will reinforce the respect and love the learner has for the mentor. Punishment is given to teach because of the devotion of the mentor; it is not given in anger to sate the passions of the teacher. Often this type of passion is borne of unmet expectations and disappointment. These reactions from the mentor can be severely damaging to the pupil, as they read them as indicative not of failures by the mentor but as their own inability, causing at least short-term loss of confidence in themselves. In the long term, it results in loss of respect for the mentor, who has consistently failed to lead them correctly and put the proper instruction in place. In the end, both people in the relationship suffer.”